


Chop Suey

by onewiththestarcult



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pills, Strong Language, Suicide, Suicide mention, This is an emotional wreck, This is pure angst, Trigger Warnings, because I made it so, daisuga is just there, details of suicide attempt, don't expect fluff, though mostly depression, trigger warnings exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:56:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5386769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onewiththestarcult/pseuds/onewiththestarcult
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suga's depressed and suicidal. Daichi tries.</p><p>All titles in this fic will come from the song Chop Suey by System Of A Down. I would recommend listening to the song as you read it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wake Up

**Author's Note:**

> Alright dudes this will be an emotional train wreck. You have been warned.
> 
> One minute I was happily crocheting a Hinata crow, but then this idea hit me as I listened to Chop Suey by System Of A Down. And it spiraled out of control.
> 
> Most of this is based on my experiences with depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, etc. So yeah.
> 
> But also if this is tagged badly. Sorry. I wasn't really sure what to tag it. I mean it's Daisuga, but there's no fluff Daichi's there as Suga's boyfriend. And it's all kind of angst. ALL OF IT.

Suga wakes up adrenaline rushing through his veins. A nightmare he doesn’t remember woke him. He glances at his alarm clock. One minute to 5.

“Fuck…” his breath drags out in ragged puffs and he flops back on his bed. _Come on it was just a dream._

_Then why do I feel so shitty?_

His knees curl into his chest and he thinks about breathing. Just breathing in that moment a few tears well up in his eyes when he closes them to complete the darkness.

\------

Suga woke up again to a black hole in his gut and loud noises to fill it in with. He sits up slowly and smacks the alarm off, moving his legs off the bed and shuffling to the bathroom to prepare for the day.

He quickly showers, trying to let the memories of last night drain away with the water. He steps out, and brushes his teeth quickly. He flashes a halfhearted smile at the mirror.

“Come on, lighten up Suga. Gotta have your winning smile on again.” His cheeks are tugged into a smile that cracks his face.

“Okay. I guess that looks convincing enough.” He runs a comb through his hair and smears some concealer on the scars on his arms. He pads over to the kitchen to get some breakfast tapping the cereal into the bowl without looking as he grabs the milk from the fridge.

It’s not long before Suga’s done with breakfast and out the door slinging his bag over his shoulder. He sighs and rubs his face while pocketing his keys with his other hand.

_Goddammit Koushi you almost forgot to lock the door again. AGAIN._

_I know. I know, I just… ugh I don’t care just kill me now okay. It’d be better for everyone anyways._

He’s left alone with his thoughts as he tries to pick up his pace to get to school. He jogs a bit trying to see if that’ll keep the dark thoughts at bay.

\------

He’s a bit late for morning practise, and Daichi comes out to meet him in the warm morning air.

“You okay? You weren’t answering my texts.”

 _Fuck, I knew I forgot something else._ “Oops I guess I forgot my phone today. I swear I wasn’t ignoring you.” He smiles guilty and apologetic.

Daichi sighs, “At least you’re okay. Come on we’re just doing serve practise.” His arm wraps around his waist instinctively and guides him further into the gym. Koushi’s cheeks are dusted a bit with red.

He starts to change into his gym clothes, and he squeaks out, “I’m sorry for being late today.” His eyes travel somewhat down to his shoes. _I’m sorry for everything, existing._

Daichi’s strong voice breaks through his thoughts, “It’s okay Koushi.” His face scrunches up a bit in concern, but goes back to smirking at him as he drags him to join the team.

The smiles come a bit easier as the day drags on. Daichi seems less concerned when they’re walking home together after school. His smiles are wide and he laughs along with Daichi. Though a small part of him wonders where the light has gone in his boyfriend’s eyes, and when it left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see this as maybe being 3 chapters long?
> 
> But yeah come talk to me about this fic whether it's criticism or whatever I just yeah. My tumblr url is onewiththestarcult.


	2. I Cry When Angels Deserve To Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything's a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys no schedule. I might be able to post tomorrow as well. I'm just on a roll right now.
> 
> Also I hope this is how ER stuff works I myself haven't had to go to the ER, but a friend of mine has(though I didn't ask them about it). Anyways all of this is based off the American system so yeah.
> 
> Also I have been on both sides of this mess a very very close friend attempted, and I attempted so I'm just going off what I know.

Suga pants his eyes lifeless and full of pain. He shakes, and he can barely support himself on the counter as he tries to stand.

_Just do it Koushi. No one loves you._

_You don’t matter. You only hurt people with your nonsense day in and day out. What does Daichi even see in you._

The pain reliever pill bottle is in his hand, and the pills make slight shaking noises as tears leak onto the dry counter leaving smears of water where he rubs over them with his arms.

_Everything’ll be better afterwards. Just do it. This is the best way._

It takes a bit for him to get the bottle open his hands shaking, he pours out 1... 2… 3… and more into his palm staring at them bringing the glass of water closer to him so the poison can slip down faster.

_Come on. You gotta do this._

Snot streamed from his nose and his eyes burned as he put the pill in his mouth hanging onto the glass of water trickling some in his mouth. He swallows and tries to wipe at his eyes and nose with his shirt. It doesn’t do much, but it’s easier for him to see the next pill and the next.

The count grows until he reaches six and he sets the water and slides the rest of the pills back into the bottle before his shaking makes him smash the drink on the counter or spill the medicine.

His legs sink down and his knees hit the tile floor hard. A gross sob wracks his entire body and whatever tears were held back, they pour out now. He kneeled on the floor hicking and sobbing into his hands still unbelieving of what he’s started. What he’s become.

_A cry sobbing mess on the ground. A cry baby. That’s exactly what you are. You whine too much. Killing yourself isn’t too bad, It's not as bad as you deserve. Not like anyone cares._

The thoughts continue to control him, but he can’t move with his legs buckled underneath him.

His eyes dry up a bit, but he still hicks and keels over to lay himself fully on the tile floor, sobs continuing to convulse through him.

He laid like that for a while as the sobs slowed down and he hicked less and less. His mind blank mostly as he dried up his reservoir of tears.

His shaky arms barely support him as he got himself up off the floor unsteady at first, but he helped support himself with the counter, the pill bottle lay open there, but he didn’t have the energy to care anymore. With a small amount of strength he picked up the lid and closed the bottle and slid it up to its space in the cabinet again closing the door behind him.

His knees wobble as he walks along the counter to go lay down in his room, and check his phone. He dries his cheeks and nose the best he can as he walks back slowly.

He immediately flops down on his bed and squishes his face into the pillow grabbing his phone almost dropping it.

He types in his password slowly. He feels a black hole where his heart was and he stared at the tiny screen hoping for a distraction from his dead thoughts.

_Fuck you Koushi. You didn’t go through with it. You’re such a wimp._

 

Sobs start anew as he opens up Daichi’s text window.

To: Daichi

I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Fuck I’m the worst. I don’t even know how you put up with me.

The response is almost immediate. _He must’ve sent me texts while I was lying their being pathetic, but I’m too tired to look._

From: Daichi

Koushi! Koushi! ARe you okay?!

Suga lay there contemplating whether or not to tell him. He clicked his fingers together as he thought. He bit his lip as he decided to go for it.

To: Daichi

I… uh…. might have… maybe… tried to kill myself

To: Daichi

I had like 6 pills then I stopped so it’s fine. I… just… uh thought you should know

From: Daichi

NO KOUSHI NO ARE YOU AWAY FROM THEM? LIKE HELL IT’S FINE.

 _No Koushi, my angel. Why?_ Daichi lets these words die on his lips, and fingertips, afraid, and unsure what to say to him.

To: Daichi

Yeah….

From: Daichi

Okay… good… I’m gonna call an ambulance and be right over… just don’t do anything…. please…

To: Daichi

Ahh…. I’m sorry. It’s not necessary it’s fine seriously.

From: Daichi

I don’t care I just…. I just can’t. The emergency help line people said we had to take you to the hospital so hold on. I’ll wake up my mother and we’ll be there in 5.

To: Daichi

ok…..

The darkness of his room swallows him and expands the hole in his heart. He lays there waiting for his fate to come to him on a silver platter. He smiles at the thought. Daichi served to him on a silver platter.

There’s a quick knock on the door and he assumes it’s Daichi and he drags himself through the hallways leaning on the walls supporting his still shaking legs to open the door. The knocks come quick and fast and continuous.

He opens the door slowly and turns the porch light on in the process. Daichi’s there seemingly panicked and he immediately goes in to hug Suga. He barely moves to embrace Daichi in a hug he just feels so empty.

“Oh my god Koushi. I’m so sorry.” His voice chokes and he has to wipe a few tears away when he pulls away from the hug.

“You scared the hell out of me.” He steps inside and closes the door behind him earnestly.

Suga continues to lean on Daichi and he walks him to the table gently letting him down into a chair. He pulls out his own chair and sits next to Suga as he stares blankly at Daichi holding his hands tightly making his knuckles whiter than usual.

“I-I…” Suga’s voice wobbles a bit as he bites back more tears that threaten to flood his vision. “I w-was just s-so scared of h-hurting any of you th-that I thought this w-was the best way to do it.” He rubs his arms across his eyes shielding them from Daichi. His lips wobbled underneath betraying his fear.

Daichi continues to hold his hand as he slowly begins to shake less and less. He finally brings his arm down, and Daichi looks him in the eyes.

“I called your parents. They said they were sorry they couldn’t be here for you. I’ll be coming with you.” Daichi’s strong but gentle voice tells Koushi this and Suga bites back tears.

“We should get some of your stuff, and we’ll get in my mother’s car. Okay?” Koushi nods and Daichi gently lets him lean on his arm as they walk back to Suga’s room to gather a few toiletries and some clothes. Daichi packs them in silence into a duffel bag and they exit the room. Suga finds his key in the kitchen, and hands it to Daichi wordlessly. His arm wraps around Suga’s waist hoping to gently guide him away from the walls and through the door safely. He locks up behind them and they get to his mother’s car.

Suga gets in the back while Daichi has a word with his mother before they take off. It’s quick and soon Daichi’s next to Koushi.

_Oh god I’m going to the hospital. Fuck. Why do they care?_

Tears started to leak down his pale face and Daichi reaches out to hold his hand. A comforting touch just telling him, _I’m here_. He’s surprised he doesn’t pull away from the touch. If it were his parents he’d be crying and pulling away refusing to say anything. But Daichi’s touch is comforting. Even if it makes him cry.

The ride to the hospital seems longer than it is, a mixture of dark thoughts and crying, cloud Koushi’s mind. He leans on Daichi, again, as they step into the ER, they check in with the nurse, and are directed to sit down for a while to wait for the doctor.

They have to wait for a few hours before they’re called back. They leave Daichi’s mother behind as they go over to the doctor.

The doctor takes Suga’s vitals then brings him to another room where he can lay Koushi down. He asks him what happened.

“So from what Koushi’s telling me is that we will be keeping him here in the ER for 24 hours to monitor his condition. This is called suicide watch. After that he will have to be checked into the children’s psychiatric ward due to the child protective services. I know you’re not his parent, but we got over the phone permission that you can stay with him while he’s here in the ER. After that he’ll be transferred, and you can’t follow him to the psychiatric ward. So make the most of this time.”

The doctor says all of this as he’s scribbling a few notes down on his clipboard. “I’ll call in a nurse so we can get him situated for these next 24 hours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys come talk to me (about a lot of things?) through my tumblr or something. My url is onewiththestarcult.


	3. Why'd You Leave The Keys Upon The Table

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I'm glad my writing seems to have gotten better. (according to a friend of mine It's nice to see progress)
> 
> But anyways I'm so sorry if this sucks. Tbh I didn't have a bf or gf or whatever when I went to the hospital so I'm unsure what I'm doing exactly.
> 
> Also oops I misjudged how long this would be. I swear not much longer, I just want to get to a place where I feel satisfied enough with the ending.

The 24 hours are almost up. Daichi’s sat next to him as much as he can calling in sick to school. His mother’s understanding about it and lets him. The two mostly sit in uncomfortable silence afraid to address the looming cloud that’s settled into their minds.

“I-I’m sorry Daichi. I’m just just a bit broken.” Suga decides to say this, feeling he’s calmed down enough.

Daichi immediately reaches out to lay his hands on Suga’s.

“It’ll be okay Koushi. We just… we don’t want to lose you.” Daichi finds it hard to find the words to tell him how much he means to him. How much he’s saved him. Koushi can’t find the words to respond either.

“D-Daichi.” His voice wobbles tears about to break through.

“Yes?”

“I-I love you so much.... I d-don’t deserve you, a-and I’ve put you through s-so much this past day, a-actually the whole time we’ve known each other. I-I’ve just been a burden to you relying on your k-kindness to g-get through the day,” tears start flowing his eyes growing red and puffy.

Daichi looks about to cry as well, but takes a deep breath before he speaks making his voice gentle. “Koushi, you have never once been a burden to me, a-and I love you. Okay? Please don’t forget that, we’ll get through this together.” He looks up into Koushi’s eyes hoping to convey his sincerity.

His tears come faster now as he leans over to hug Daichi in his distress. “I’m sc-scared D-daichi.” Daichi’s arms wrap around Koushi making soothing movements through his hair allowing his sobs to convulse through him and his tears to plop gently on his shoulder.

A nurse comes in telling them to say their goodbyes, since Suga will be transferred to the psychiatric ward in an hour.

Daichi quickly kisses Suga’s swollen lips, and he kisses him back with longing.

“I’m sorry. I have to leave, I’ll try and call you when I can. Okay? I love you.” Suga’s hands slip out of Daichi’s, and he’s left alone again.

\------

The transfer to the psychiatric ward takes longer than necessary since his parents aren’t there to sign the documents themselves. But they get him checked in around 1 in the morning and dress him in scrubs so he can’t hurt himself. It’s very quiet as he’s led to his makeshift bed. They give him a cup of water and a small green and white pill.

“This is Vistral. It’ll help with the anxiety and help you sleep.” Suga drinks up, and opens his mouth so she can inspect.

“Good, now here’s some blankets and a pillow. We’ll wake you up in the morning.”

His days in the psychiatric ward were short lived as he was transferred to another hospital for a more long term stay. He walked around sluggishly and was scared by every little thing. The worst part of the whole transfer was the ambulance ride to the other hospital.

They had to bring out the stretcher and strap him to the gurney for the whole ride as they checked his blood pressure and pulse the whole time. It took them an hour to reach their destination.

He saw doctors and therapists during his week long stay crying at least once every other day. They prescribed him medications to help him sleep and others to help him get through the day.

Sometimes his only solace was when he talked with Daichi. They were limited to 10 minutes of talking, but it was enough just to hear his voice. Many times he burst into tears longing to see him again, but also dreading the day he would have to look him in the eye and tell him he was alright. Everything was fine.

The other time he felt somewhat at peace was when it was time for gym. He taught the other kids how to play volleyball, socialising with them easily due to his motherly nature.

He made a few friends, but they would flow off him like water when it came time for them to leave.

His stay lasted a week as they monitored his condition. By the end they found he seemed stable enough to leave, and called his parents telling them they could come pick him up now, but it was Daichi’s mother who showed up as they electronically went through the discharge paperwork with his parents over the phone.

When Koushi steps outside Daichi quickly rushes up to him a relieved look on his face, but stops quickly when he sees that he flinched in reaction. Daichi slows down and walks to him.

“I’m sorry I came rushing to you so fast. I’m just so relieved to see you.” Tears well up in Daichi’s eyes as he pulls Koushi into his arms he pulls away and holds his hands in between them. “Come on we’re going home. My mother got all your stuff out to the car.”

His soft and firm grip guides him to the car and he sighs in relief.

_I’m going home, and the sun feels wonderful on my skin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys come talk to me about something be it crochet to angsty fics like this at my tumblr: onewiththestarcult


	4. You Wanted To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was fun and painful to write. I will probably get it editted/betaed soon since I just want to make my writing better in general. So eh I might update it when that happens.

Daichi’s mother drives them back to Suga’s house, and leaves Daichi to stay with him for the night.

They sit in silence as Suga puts everything back where it belongs, and Daichi wordlessly hands him the phone when he’s done.

“Call your parents. I know you didn’t take any of their calls while you were in the hospital.” Suga’s hands shake, but he takes the phone and dials the number putting the receiver to his ear with a shaky breath.

The phone rings, and Suga takes deep breaths. In and out. In and out. In and out.

They pick up after the 3rd ring, and he hears a bit of shuffling before they speak.

“Koushi?! Are you alright? We were worried sick, and you wouldn’t answer any of our calls.” His mother’s panicked voice reaches his ears and tears start leaking from his eyes again.

“I-I’m sorry I didn’t call y-you earlier. I-I was just t-too scared.” Daichi’s hand slips into his free hand giving him something to anchor himself with.

“It’s okay Koushi. Your dad and I will be back in a few days, we just wanted to be sure you were in safe hands.”

“Daichi’s here with me, s-so it’s fine mom.” He squeezes Daichi’s hand.

“Okay good. We’ll help sort everything out when we get back. But we wanted to say we love you. That won’t change.”

“O-of course mom.”

“We have to go Koushi, we’ll call again soon though.”

“Bye”

“Bye” Static fizzles in the receiver and Suga clicks the off button. He immediately puts the phone on his desk and hugs Daichi.

“Thanks. I d-don’t know what I’d do without you.” His voice wobbles into Daichi’s shoulder and he rubs comforting circles into Koushi’s back.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you either, Koushi.” Suga’s head lifts at that to look him in the eyes.

“D-do you mean that?” His tears flow freely now and his voice shakes.

“I do.” He holds his gaze and takes a deep breath before continuing.

“T-to me you’re an angel, Koushi. I love you.”

Koushi sobs into his shoulder, but slowly regains his composure after a while.

“I-I love you too.”

“I know.”

“Daichi?”

“Yes?”

“I-I don’t want to put you through this a-again.” His words come like molasses, but they begin to flow faster like his tears.

“I-Is it o-okay to tell you when I f-feel s-suicidal again? S-so you can hold me a-acountable?”

“Of course. If that’s what you’ll need I will be there.” His tightens his grip on the shaking Koushi as he continues to sob.

The rest of the day was spent laying in each other’s arms imprinting this day into their minds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end! Hope you enjoyed it or found it painfully enjoyable or whatever. I wanted to explore my own problem and do it in a therapeutic way so yeah.
> 
> I also might write a oneshot of Daichi's perspective exploring the impact of the suicide attempt on the whole team and stuff. Idk you never know.
> 
> Anyways as always thanks for reading and if ya'll want to talk to me about anything tbh my tumblr url is onewiththestarcult.


End file.
